Until today.
Today, I was sent a message. A message from above.
Like, forty or so feet above.
Today my friend M sent me a link to a news story that detailed the festivities for our town's New Year's Eve celebration. Understand that, to my knowledge, there has never been a New Year's Eve celebration in Perrydise. It is possible I missed it because I was busy watching Will lip-synch to Deana Carter's "Strawberry Wine," which is a New Year's tradition around here. Whatever the case, Perrydise has decided to jump on the small towns across the United States having New Year's Eve celebrations train. It is a relatively unknown train and it is filled with Teh Crazy.
Today my friend M sent me a link to a news story that detailed the festivities for our town's New Year's Eve celebration. Understand that, to my knowledge, there has never been a New Year's Eve celebration in Perrydise. It is possible I missed it because I was busy watching Will lip-synch to Deana Carter's "Strawberry Wine," which is a New Year's tradition around here. Whatever the case, Perrydise has decided to jump on the small towns across the United States having New Year's Eve celebrations train. It is a relatively unknown train and it is filled with Teh Crazy.
You see, big cities like New York and Atlanta have big parties. They have huge crowds and fireworks and they drop large, light-emblazoned fruit from the tops of tall buildings because...you know...big, light-emblazoned fruits just SCREAM "Happy New Year." However, smaller towns aren't necessarily associated with fruits or things that are seasonally appropriate to drop from tall buildings. Plus, there aren't a whole lot of tall buildings.
In Perrydise, however, we DO have three tall structures if you don't count the ridiculously tall power poles that go down the bypass by the courthouse. One is the clock tower at the fair grounds. It's probably forty or so feet tall and is featured on our city seal because, you know, we are famous for our fair, because our fair is awesome. Seriously. You need to come down here and camp in my backyard and go to our fair.
The other tall structures are water towers: one downtown and one by a little park farther out. And here's where the crazy starts, my friends...
See, a few years ago, the buzzards (oh, yes) that had been bypassing Perrydise during their yearly migration in order to cold chill in Hahira or some such place decided that, no, really, Perrydise was awesome. Nice climate. Good traffic flow. Several four lane roads leading out of town on which raccoons regularly get demolished. So the buzzards, every autumn, betoodle to our fair city and hang out on the water tower.
Y'all, it is a sight to behold: fifty or so buzzards perched on the water tower or circling over it. A creepy, creepy sight. Jeffrey is always scandalized when I say as much, because buzzards are some of the most important animals on earth and would I like to hang out on a planet filled with rotting carcasses? And the answer to that is no, but I also have read The Red Pony by John Steinbeck which features one of the more nauseating scenes in literature and it STARS a buzzard. Steinbeck may call it a vulture (I am TOTALLY not going to look it up, because just thinking about it makes me feel oooogly), but it's a buzzard, dude. Buzz. Ard.
Anyway, buzzards hanging out en masse on a town's water towers is kinda creepy, is what I'm saying and after a few blasts from pellet guns failed to do anything but make the buzzards flap around making weird noises, somebody called an ornithologist from the University of Georgia to see what we could do to keep them away from the towers. The solution only adds to the gnarliness of the story, because it entails hanging up the dead bodies of other vultures from the towers. So, the vultures don't flock to the towers any more, because their dead Uncle Jacques is swinging by his toenails from one of them.
Shudder.
In Perrydise, however, we DO have three tall structures if you don't count the ridiculously tall power poles that go down the bypass by the courthouse. One is the clock tower at the fair grounds. It's probably forty or so feet tall and is featured on our city seal because, you know, we are famous for our fair, because our fair is awesome. Seriously. You need to come down here and camp in my backyard and go to our fair.
The other tall structures are water towers: one downtown and one by a little park farther out. And here's where the crazy starts, my friends...
See, a few years ago, the buzzards (oh, yes) that had been bypassing Perrydise during their yearly migration in order to cold chill in Hahira or some such place decided that, no, really, Perrydise was awesome. Nice climate. Good traffic flow. Several four lane roads leading out of town on which raccoons regularly get demolished. So the buzzards, every autumn, betoodle to our fair city and hang out on the water tower.
Y'all, it is a sight to behold: fifty or so buzzards perched on the water tower or circling over it. A creepy, creepy sight. Jeffrey is always scandalized when I say as much, because buzzards are some of the most important animals on earth and would I like to hang out on a planet filled with rotting carcasses? And the answer to that is no, but I also have read The Red Pony by John Steinbeck which features one of the more nauseating scenes in literature and it STARS a buzzard. Steinbeck may call it a vulture (I am TOTALLY not going to look it up, because just thinking about it makes me feel oooogly), but it's a buzzard, dude. Buzz. Ard.
Anyway, buzzards hanging out en masse on a town's water towers is kinda creepy, is what I'm saying and after a few blasts from pellet guns failed to do anything but make the buzzards flap around making weird noises, somebody called an ornithologist from the University of Georgia to see what we could do to keep them away from the towers. The solution only adds to the gnarliness of the story, because it entails hanging up the dead bodies of other vultures from the towers. So, the vultures don't flock to the towers any more, because their dead Uncle Jacques is swinging by his toenails from one of them.
Shudder.
You see where this is going, right? I didn't see where it was going, because when M sent me the link and I opened it up and read that we will be dropping a stuffed animal named Bob the Buzzard from a replica of the clock tower...
No, I'm not kidding.
No. Seriously.
A BUZZARD.
FROM A CLOCKTOWER.
No. Seriously.
A BUZZARD.
FROM A CLOCKTOWER.
It appears that he will be wearing a top hat whilst descending, so at least it won't be a naked buzzard.
I'll let that sink in a second.
I'll let that sink in a second.
A TOP HAT.
Y'all, I need you to understand something. Perrydise has grown on me through the years. I enjoy the fair, and spring is lovely, and you know, my little coffee shop. But I have to tell you that today, for the first time, I felt like I loved Perrydise.
Because A: it's a dang buzzard dropping from the water tower to ring in the New Year.
And B: I can totally get a one-act play out of this nuttiness.
Y'all, I need you to understand something. Perrydise has grown on me through the years. I enjoy the fair, and spring is lovely, and you know, my little coffee shop. But I have to tell you that today, for the first time, I felt like I loved Perrydise.
Because A: it's a dang buzzard dropping from the water tower to ring in the New Year.
And B: I can totally get a one-act play out of this nuttiness.
3 comments:
I am surprised that Tallapoosa did not beat Dingleberry to this. According to Rhubarb Jones, Tallapoosa's most famous son, Tallapoosa is completely infested with turkey vultures and based on my personal experience in the area, I concur.
Of course Tallapoosa has a Possum Drop, says Google. They missed their shot.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!! Classic. Classic southern happenings. I absolutely love this. It reminds me of the old "WKRP in Cincinnati" when the news director had a brilliant idea to drop live turkeys out of a helicopter. He thought they could fly. They can't...very well. Turkeys were dropping like flies on unsuspecting people and other places. It was one of the funniest shows I've ever seen. Well, at least your turkey buzzard will be stuffed. Get it? Stuffed. HAHAHAHAHA!!!
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